March 14, 2013 (Updated April 1, 2013)
Announcing the first annual World’s Greatest Living Composer Competition—a new competition to determine once and for all who is the World’s Greatest Living Composer.
Over 1 Million in Prizes
Composers pretty much alive from almost any country from almost any race or religion at almost age are cordially welcome to compete to earn big prizes and gain huge self esteem by being designated the World’s Greatest Living Composer (2013 Edition). Over 1 million in prizes will be possibly awarded to up to 5 contestants.
Submissions must be received on April 1, 2013—not before and not after. The competition deadline is April 1, 2013. Period. Winners may be announced after the deadline if you search the Internet. All submissions must be made via the Internet. If you live in Japan or Australia, your deadline will be earlier than people living in California even though it may be quicker to fly to California from Australia than to New York. Know your time zone before entering.
Important! Please Read!
If someone you know or someone you don’t know has announced on April 1, 2013 they have won this competition, DO NOT BELIEVE THEM! The competition organizers are still reviewing submissions and the winner will be officially announced on this site possibly at some point in the distant future.
All composers must be nominated by themselves. A one paragraph statement of nomination will do. Brownie points for the most power words.
Only composers who consider themselves the Greatest Living Composer in the World may apply. If you don’t have much of a life, don’t bother. No prior experience necessary.
Due to the overwhelming response expected for this year’s competition—and the lack of time available to devote to this effort—the competition organizers have met over coffee for a few minutes and decided to instigate the following exclusionary provisions. Note that some of these provisions may change in future year’s competitions if we get around to updating the Website.
Nationality – Open to citizens in all countries except those currently residing (while you’re reading this) in Latvia and Australia. Exceptions will be made if you are Latvian but living currently in Australia or Australian and at this moment drinking Fosters at a pub in England. Latvians and Australians will be required to provide proof to qualify for their exceptions. No other exceptions allowed.
Age – We adhere to a strict policy where this year we can only accept applications from wanna be composers who are currently, or have at some time in the recent past, been between the ages of 35 1/2 and 64. If you are almost 35 1/2 that really doesn’t cut it.
Sexual Orientation – We want to know if you are gay, lesbian or bi-sexual, otherwise, we’ll assume you’re a hetero or “just say no” type of person. Make us believe your story.
Guidelines and Materials to Submit
Application Fee – $100 money transfer payable to a homeless person of the contestant’s choosing. Said distribution must be documented via video posted on YouTube with link to said video submitted with application. In lieu of going thru all the trouble of doing a $100 money transfer to a homeless person applicants may opt to wire $5000 to the offshore bank account of the contest organizer. Please email the organizer privately (make sure no one is watching) for details.
Score – Please include 3 copies of 5 different and sort of representative scores in PDF format without your name or copyright notice. At least one of the scores must be for the following instrumentation: 1 Piccolo, 1 Violincello, 3 Contrabasses.
Recording – You are allowed to submit 1 recording of 2 minute excerpts from 3 of your submitted scores. The excerpts should be from measures 13 thru 29 for tempos under quarter = 120 and from measures 44 – 50 for all other tempo markings. If your score doesn’t have measures, you’re screwed. The minimum size of your audio files must be 5MB. To slow down all of the useless email we receive we encourage file sizes upwards of 100 MB. Thanks for doing your part to clog the Internet.
List of Prior Competitions – Please include a list of all prior competitions you’ve lost. Please also list all competitions to which you didn’t qualify due to age, race or sex. Please also explain what you mean by sex. Be clear in your sexual position(s).
Bio, Resume or Curriculum Vitae – We’re not sure what to call it, but we hope you get the idea. Please tell us about how great you are. Be sure to list favorable press quotes coerced, paid for or manufactured by yourself. We place great importance on viewing what you say others have said about you. To save time this may be all we look at.
List of Unfinished Works – Please provide a list of all pieces you’ve yet to complete. These works must be no more than 80% done. If you feel they’re like 81% complete, that doesn’t count because you’ll probably get around to finishing it. We want to assess your effort. It’s important to try and not always succeed. Titles are required for each work. If you can’t think of a title, here are some suggestions: “A Toad I Am In G For Thee”, “Soliloquy In C On A Tree”, “I Got Pissed Over You And Wrote This Song Cause You’re A Bitch, Yeah”, “My Atonal Babe, My Bitonal Abe”. If you google these and find they’re already taken, just add a No. 2 to the end! You’re welcome!
Artist Statement – Please also include an artist statement which describes your biggest failures and who you’d like to blame. Be specific, include names, dates and email addresses. Pictures are also helpful if they convey the proper emotional message you wish to convey. However, please refrain from nudity, even if your artistic statement includes sexual imagery. We are a PG (pretty good) rated organization. Actually, scratch that, go ahead and send us your nudies.
Proof of ID – They wouldn’t put you on a plane without checking, so why shouldn’t we? We require valid proof of nationality, age and sexual orientation. Photo ID must be presented. Don’t bother if you’re not smiling in the photo. Oh, also please provide your social security number. We’ll also need your banking account Website login info to verify you have money. Scan all of this info at hi-res and place it in separate documents formatted as PICT or some other obscure outdated image format. If you’re a Mac user, you’re prolly better at this than others. But, that’s okay, give it your best shot anyway.
Sealed Enveloped – Please include a sealed envelope and put something special inside it. We can’t wait to open it! Not sure how to email your sealed envelope? No problem!
Address to submit materials: WorldsGreatestComposer@BillDoerrfeld.com
Only one submission allowed. If your email bounces, tough shit.
Incomplete submissions or those not meeting the guidelines precisely may be disqualified unless other arrangements are made (see various options below and be creative!).
We reserve the right to perform your works whenever and however we want. You waive all performing rights organization royalties that may be paid to you, even if these performances are reported and someone at the PRO enters the info. We reserve the right to photocopy your PDFs and show them to friends and colleagues and/or to glue them to our in-office dart board for stress-relief and entertainment purposes.
Your email, name, music and likeness may and probably will be used however we see fit. This includes spots in porn movies or on the Nature Channel. We reserve the right to spam you at any time and right now have installed cookies on your system so we can track all the useless Web pages you’re about to visit. Our tracking algorithms may determine your purchasing habits, your sexual orientation, your pervert status and political orientation. We may sell that info to others who wish to coerce you into buying their useless shit or who want to subjugate you to their evil ways. You agree to hold us harmless and indumdify us of any wrong doing, good doing or just plain ole doing.
And finally for what you’ve all been waiting for, the PRIZES!!!! This year we’re pleased to announce up to 1 MILLION in prizes for possibly up to 5 contestants!!! The prizes are as follows:
Prize Number 1 – 500,000
Prize Number 2 – Certificate of recognition
Prize Number 3 – Certificate of possible recognition
Prize Number 4 – Certificate of honorable participation and 200,000
Prize Number 5 – 300,001 and surprise conciliation prize
Somewhat Important Disclaimer – All numbers above refer to the number of recorded handclaps delivered to winners on CD only if a mailing address is supplied and contestant pays $15 in shipping and $5.50 in handling fees and sends a money order to the competition organizer within 5 days announcement of prize. Certificates only require $4.50 in handling fees. The shipping is on us! Contestants are free to try and influence the judges final decision via bribes, sexual favors and free food. Please contact the competition organizers with your proposal. No reasonable offers will be refused.
Should any dispute arise from your participation in this contest you agree the venue for all disputes shall be held in the contest organizer’s backyard with boxing gloves. First one down loses.
Please do not contact us unless you plan to send money or make other similar arrangements.
Most all typos in this document are intentional. Others are not, but have been left there regardless.
D.C. al Coda
Repeat until you get it then go to the Coda.
Read this sentence then stop. ||
In 2012 I began composing for orchestra again and am pleased to announce the three city premiere of my work entitled “Sinfonietta No. 1″ in November, 2012 by the Northwest Sinfonietta.
From mid-August thru mid-September I had a 30 day Kickstarter project going to raise funds in support of realizing performance of some of my recently composed orchestral work. The $6000 funding goal was exceeded thanks to the generosity of fans and friends.
Bill Doerrfeld’s latest work entitled “Christina” is a tribute to the victims of the January 8, 2011 shooting tragedy in Tuscon, Arizona. It was composed January 9-10, 2011 and recorded January 11, 2011 and has been posted along with images and text in a movie now on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_NPucPlm-M.